Sunday, 15 January 2017

A spiral of stairs

I've been thinking about the person I want to be, the person I'm not. The person I'll probably never be. And yes, I know my defeatist attitude isn't going to get me anywhere but neither is unrealistic ideas.

The reality is until I become my confident and have higher self esteem I am going to be this way for a long time. I'm working on it, I suppose, it's one of those things where you accept yourself and work with what you have until slowly by slowly you get a little more of yourself, it slowly unravels and then sooner or later you are whole again.

Why is it, that inorder to give up, move on or change direction in life you need some big great experience to make it justifiable to those around us? You don't have to have experienced something terrible like a death, you don't have to have worked yourself into the ground, you don't have to have lost who you are to want to leave. You can leave anytime you want, just make sure you do want to and you're not leaving in the moment.

I think giving up is great. It takes real courage to give up and acknowledge that this is not working and maybe a new chapter needs to be opened. But it is also courageous to keep going and try and see if it just needs time. I think both are courageous because they both take confidence in your decisions. They both need you to put your foot down and stop listening to others. Noone else lives your life for you, if only it were that simple, when people say "don't give up, it's only a few months" or "you need to work harder" if only you could say you live my life for me then, if it's that simple.

Ultimately the decision is your own so regardless of who is saying it to you you need to be confident in what you think and what you say. It never is simple. Because as much as someone wants to continue or not continue, the way the person is, their mentality, their priorities will always override how able they are to carry out their decisions.

I prioritise my sanity, more often than not I feel a little bit insane. I'm using this word loosely because I know it's associated with mental health but in all honesty I think everyone is insane. So carry on with your judgements or sneering if you wish.

I don't know if anyone has ever been so confused. In the middle of two paths. Maybe a president or a politician, seems like a very accurate comparison.

Well anyway, I am off.


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