Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Meeting the 16year old me

Ive never realised how careless I was when I was 16. How one silly ignorant thought determined my future. I know its a part of my future my decisions also affect which direction (but of course the destination is confirmed by fate). I have grown I have more left(in wisdom!) and Im hoping ill be more cerebal in my decision making this time I make a life determining decision.

When I was 16 and we had started talking about colleges I was extremely excited so much so from14 or so I used it to get me through hard times in school, life you name it. When I had hardly any friends and my day was spent achingly in the library walking the halls aimlessly with nothing to do, i would think, im going to go college and itll be different ill have friends and ill enjoy myself. 

My loneliness was probably the biggest factor that made me want to go to college so bad. I idealised it so much in my head that I would sacrifice everything for it. Thats why i opted for a not so well known, average, college when I could have applied for better instituitons. I couldve but I didnt because I thought those colleges dont let you have fun, I cant be miserable again i already went through years of loneliness. 

So hell bent on having a good time i chose my own destruction. It was that college that distracted me from studying (of course with the friends i made there). I wish I hadnt tried to cure my loneliness with people or even been so affected by being 'seen as a loner' that i went to such measures.

Its odd isnt it? The things we lack, the things we are insecure about usually fuel us to make sure it doesnt happen again but for me personally its always too far. So I wanted to say , 'Hey, its okay, dont worry, youve grown. Youre strong and youre doing so well. Im so proud. Slow down, you are great i am telling you no matter what anyone says you dont need to prove yourself to anyone. You have the power to how you see yourself!' 

Yes that was a message to myself but to all others who have been insecure,lacked something in their life and then tried to make up for it later on. Lets all be strong and help eachother. Ive learnt something else too, i dont really expect help i dont mind helping others but the truth is whether we like or not, we cant rely on others. Even in my depression and anxiety, I went through mental difficulties which I overcame by myself. My family did support me but ultimately it was me.

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