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I'm changing

I'm beginning to see that it's not that hard to change, well it is and it isn't..

What I mean is, comparing myself a couple of months ago and now, a lot has changed in terms of my mentality and my positivity.

But I cannot say it was easy, at first even I was stumped at how I did it. Because I had tried(as you know) many times to become closer to God and failed on numerous occasions ( in my eyes) but alhamdulilah alhamdulilah I've been getting closer to it than ever before, and I realised its a lot to do with my actual faith in God not only do I need tawaqul (rememberance) of God but I also need to do this in action.

And this. This is so important I think I forgot the different/the line/ the actuality of the situation I kept confusing my laziness, etc. and so on with my own personality and every time I did something I myself didn't approve of I wouldn't correct myself which in the past I would, it's so important to mould the Islamic personality to whatever degree you think is right (I personally have a certain view of how to behave and I like to mould myself around that) and NOT think hey that's me, because no it's not, it's your nafs it's the little Shaytan making excuses, you know him ...

There two things I've noticed, and it's helped me a lot. I've been through a low phase a period where I was ashamed of myself and a period where I did not feel close to God whatsoever astaghfirullah a time when rememberance of God disinterested me, wasn't deemed 'fun'.

But that's what the dunya is, it takes you away from God. Honestly when you are wrapped up in Western Fashion, how you look what you're doing, all these materialistic shallow things that the West have installed in us, how can you care about God.

Something I use to do before which I can say I am at the stage to do now, is challenge myself.

Challenge myself to be better put myself in hard situations situations that test my patience, let me give you an example, BABIES. You have to have some sort of patience to look after babies, or even testing my anger, seeing how far I can go , as I know what usually angers me I try to do this in order to diffuse myself, I find this helps me to have control over my nafs and bring inner peace. It also allows me to have better self reflection and more concentration in prayers, acts etc. 

It's a bit weird but that's how I go about improving myself, I used to also do this but I haven't yet gotten to that point, InshaAllah soon. So you know how our general thought space is pretty much random stuff I used to have God on my mind all the time.

Like always.

Everything was , Would God approve? Or I would have conversations with God in my head. Or I would be doing dhikr, it's actually hard to do, especially for me because I have such dopey tendencies I usually forget to.. Haha.

Another BIG thing and this is like one of my throwbacks yo I mentioned this a while ago, you NEED to get to tha point where you look forward to nothing else but waking up and appreciating God , you literally are so excited to do good deeds you're in this jannah race yo, that's all that's on your mind.

That is the best feeling ever. Wow. I can't even describe it. You literally need to clear everything else to be second to that . Of course looking forward to other things is not bad but when you're living for the week the month or year you are not living for now and trying your best for now, you're just not your best self.(I believe) 

Another thing is GIVE YOURSELF time! 

I began by stopping the turban then I slowly started going out less only wearing bright make up here and there and now I try to do natural looks and I am not a shopaholic anymore alhamdulilah !

But I still have flaws which I accept I also stopped wearing dresses that are calf length and wearing long skirts but inshaAllah I plan to start wearing abayah again.

One thing I did is I made negotiations with myself I didn't go cold turkey. I didn't go from make up to NO makeup or dresses to abayah I did little steps and I also incorporated my style around my abayah and just making sure to put Islam first and fashion second. You have to remember this but it's hard to do when you're in the wrong mind frame I would suggest first going back to Islam and looking at what we wear and why. 

Stop valuing society more than God- when I was a turbanista I valued how I looked and I also wanted to fit in, I wanted to be seen on the same level as other non hijabis, but the truth is Gods value is so much more, I can only say it to you- you'll take what you want from this but I'm telling you caring about how you look so much makes you empty. I certainly felt empty when I did it.

Wa salaam 


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