i forgot i loved you

I think I forgot what I used to love in the midst of all the confusion to who I am. In a world where so many expectations and pressures are thrown towards us is it anyone wonder we all are scared to think differently?I'm not an exception-I'm afraid to be different too. Sometimes I'm a bit of an impostor
I want to be this unconventional different kind of a girl and I end up being more conformed than I wanted.

I..

Well I'm a bit afraid to talk about what I really believe in because sometimes I have to check myself to see if that's what I really believe in and it's not something I say to make excuses for myself,no i mustn't be too hard on myselfI've had enough of it for now
I think my mental health may play a part in stopping me from doing things I want to but it's okay because me MH have agreed on a few things and although I'm not expecting any roses on valentines day, its better to be friends with my enemy than against it. So like I already said on IV my battle plans are ready.

What I mean by talking about what I believe in is, as you know I left university and then i got a job! which i also left...
That was mainly because of my mental health and recently I havent been very stable in my mental health to return to work. But im taking it slow. In any case my unemployment does not bother me as much as it seems to bother others. I wonder why. Some people just find it weird. yes its also obviously my own insecurity in a world where working is so normal so satisfying how do i explain that 1. i cant handle it 2. im still trying to figure out what i want from life 3. i have a few things that make me happy that doesnt include working right now, maybe it will change. maybe it wont. who knows. 4. i like doing meaningful charity things 
all in a conversation that began with ' so what are you doing? working or studying?'
unfortunately there's no option that covers that complexity of my situation dear society.

and i dont particularly like opening up to every random individual that most likely does not have any interest. so i usually say im looking for work or that im volunteering and doing charity work which is half true, the second part anyway. I have looked at job listings but not applied so its kind of true, and theres no conditions for trueness if its somewhat true i guess ill have to make the conditions as it being 'true'.
if anyone has a different defintion let me know and i may consider it. may.
notice how i havent been correcting the capital letter anymore in my writing, it looks better to me but i didnt want to annoy anyone. be annoyed.

the reason why i think i forgot what i love is because ive been so caught up in my mental health which im pretty sure most of my family dont get. but it doesnt bother me too much. noone really understand my mind, sometimes i dont. so i dont think anyone has a fair shot im afraid.
anyhow i like running so i want to continue running laps i did start then i stopped because my mp3 wouldnt charge. plan is to fix it.
i like cycling too. and sudoku. i like you too. so i want to be on here more. 
i also like my garden alot. 

have you read catcher in the rye? its a really different kind of book. try it you might like it.