Sacrificing a Selftitude

Assalaamualikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Baraktuh,

I bow my head in shame to you, oh loyal reader, for I have failed you. Inconsistency is what I wanted to avoid and I have found myself in the quicksand of it. 

Please forgive me.

It has been a month since I have posted and I can honestly say it's been a confusing time for me. Recently it feels like all I have is issues with myself, battling them everyday, though I am practical and usually good at solving problems, it seems as though this is something reoccurring. 

I apologise, I apologise for making you bear the brunt of this, as you should not. I had a problem not so long ago, it was to do with sacrifice. What I mean by sacrifice is, giving up something you would not choose to, because of a certain situation you are forced to. For me it was university, and a stable "career" when prospects of this disappeared I felt low, like my life was meaningless. I felt as though I was missing out on what everyone else had, I lacked a real experience of life.

For me, stability is really important, I need stability to help me be positive in life, personally I find many flaws in my character and in order to overcome it, one step is stability in a job. You may ask, how does that relate? Well I work in a weirdly wired way so let me explain. Job prospects are more likely to cheer me up in the day, I.e if I do something I enjoy and allows me to progress and develop, this would help me be positive at home as well as gratefulness in general. 

However I realise there was many flaws in my thinking 1) such situation determines my happiness this means I rely solely on this career development therefore when it is taken away I lose sight of reality, this is always dangerous as you lose reliance on God. 2) gratefulness is not determined by what i gain, it should be an eternal element within myself that cannot appear or disappear, this shows that my faith in God is flawed and needs work 3)  there seems to be a bigger problem at hand, if i am looking for something other than God it shows that i have changed direction in life. This is not to say i cannot have aspirations but the mere fact this is what I have based my life on means I need to work on other parts of my deen. As there seems to be a lack in fulfilment in these. 

Thank you for being here to help me write this out.

Wasalaam