(This is a personal post so if you would like to refrain from reading please do so! Keep tuned for next post!)
When I was 13 I made a decision to not swear ever again (or the least I could) this was after Ramadan and I stuck to my promise. After I did that, I changed as a person, it made me think about how I acted and what I was like. Then by 15 I had changed from that young girl who was rude, obnoxious and down right an unpleasant person to be around. At the time I thought I had overcome a big hurdle in my life, I had changed as a person, but now in my life I realise that was barely a feather in my journey.
To think when I was in secondary school, the biggest, most exciting thing for me, was college. That's what I looked forward to. I thought about it, for a while, and I don't think stopping that younger me would have helped me. I needed to see what the world was really like.
When I entered college for the first time. Everything was new to me, and everything was exciting. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was open to experiences. Those experiences destroyed me at the time, but now I can see how they helped to let me grow.
I want to say that what I know now, I wish I knew before. But that would be silly wouldn't it? I'd never really know would I? Though for me emotional pain rests in my heart like a dull ache, I don't wish it away. It's not to never live life, but to know what will happen. And how prepared you are to stake your emotions.
After my first year of college, again I thought I knew a lot. I thought I had seen the world. I understand when people say 'you're so young' and look with that knowing eye, but I don't say that to others young than me, because it's as though I'm saying I know the world and what will happen, and I won't be in the same position you will find yourself in a lot, but that's not true. I will, most likely. And I won't always act the way you might.
There was one event in my life that shook my whole world. I always thought love was the worst pain, and maybe it is to my brain, but to my soul, it's the neglection of faith and selflessness. When this event happened I wanted to escape and I took every opportunity I could. Yes it was selfish. Yes it was greedy. Yes I hated myself for it.
I even wanted to live my life as wildly as I could, which brought me to another drama in my life. At first I had no idea what was going on. But when I did, it broke me. Broke me harder than I ever imagined. People sometimes say I'm strong. But I'm not. I'm weak and I know it. But I want to be strong. I want to stand up and be confidant in myself. I have this idea of what I want to be like. When I'm not that person I'm not vacant. I act in a way that's untrue to myself. I go berserk. And I can't function properly. I act selfish and greedy, and rude. I lock myself away and care about myself only. I neglect my duties.
So often I wonder how others can function. It gets to me all the time. How do they work? How do they live life happily? How are people nice? It's the biggest math problem to me. I watched a Korean drama over the last few days. And I realised a lot. I often try and live my life through dramas instead of living my life. I prefer the fantasy rather than reality. I get dissatisfied with how my life is nothing like a drama.
A lack of knowledge. Ignorance. I know. My friend helped me, she helped to identify what was wrong with me, she's my spiritual doctor. I realised I became strong after that problem with my heart. Or so I thought. I wanted to be happy with myself. I realised I was strong and independent.
Because we are. This might be unconventional but I'm not conventional so I'll say it.
You don't need a guy to make yourself feel better, you're strong and beautiful. Everyone has different views of beauty, and theirs should not affect your own. Don't disrespect yourself by changing to meet someone elses view of you. You feel low, trying to change, trying to please a guy. When you should care about family and friends, don't do it to yourself , you're better than that! It's easier said than done, but focusing on yourself and loving yourself is a good way to start.
That's what I believed before, emphasis on 'the self'. I wanted to do things I shouldn't, to make myself feel strong, I advocated the 'rejection of society' but really I was saying I'm not rejected. My friend helped me realised that I was caught up in ideas of freedom, and I'm eternally grateful for her help.
Now I know what was wrong with me, I believed the solution to my heart was to free it but that was not the solution. That only led to disillusionment. Now I realise that speech I woulda given to girls, it is still true but it's also about God. Giving your heart to God.
Now in my second year at a new college, I gave up. I gave up trying to find something to identify me. And I'm trying to make religion my identity. It's a start. And I know i need to try my best. I will. I will. But first I need to focus on my family. Right now I'm still not there yet. But I can get there. I can.
It seems like it gets harder as I get older, maybe I've changed. Or the experiences have changed me. In any case I bid you all farewell.