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Changing

When I think about it, there's not much to it. Marriage that is, you either get married or you dont. The in between is one filled with doubts, is this worth it? how much sacrifices will i have to make?

No matter how many questions you have you'll never really know.

In reality you don't know the extent of how hard it will be, I am thankful for seeing others' experience of marriage, it made me realise how hard it really is. I am also thankful I have found running, running has made me want to do more and explore more, and its made me want to this by myself.

It might just be I don't have enough experience of the world to know much about marriage, I only had one go at it(a proposal that is), and even that was a mess. But it's made me cautious and level-headed to not rush into anything, when I think about it if I had gone through with it, it would've definitely blew up in my face. I can honestly say it was a blessing.

Yet at the time, I felt like the world was ending and all hope was lost. Figures, I would be dramatic.
But eventually I just stopped caring, and running was a huge part of the healing process. I think as it was my first attempt at marriage, I really believed it was the only path for me, blind to anything else in my life, when I lost it, I felt as though I had lost everything. This, of course, was not true, I was just inexperienced and naive. I really did think I was going to marry the guy. But things got complicated and it didn't happen, yet I still couldn't let go.

Now, nearly half a year later, I am happy it didn't happen, yet at the time, I thought I would never be happy. It's weird, when you are extremely upset or going through a hard time, you can't see how that moment is not forever, firmly believing nothing will change.

Time and time again, I have been proven wrong. When I was depressed and miserable, things changed. When my Dad died, I thought I would feel stuck all my life, but I didn't. And even then, when I thought I would not want to marry anyone else, that too faded away.

Time just loves to prove us wrong, shoving it in our faces, yet I am grateful for time and how it helps me to move on. As with time: love, infatuation, attachment, they all change, they might get stronger, they might get weaker, but we know for sure it won't ever be the same. Hopefully we can remember this when we are low, to remind ourselves that change is inevitable, and we should do good to embrace it.



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