Skip to main content

Sacrificing a Selftitude

Assalaamualikum Wa Rahmtullahi Wa Baraktuh,

I bow my head in shame to you, oh loyal reader, for I have failed you. Inconsistency is what I wanted to avoid and I have found myself in the quicksand of it. 

Please forgive me.

It has been a month since I have posted and I can honestly say it's been a confusing time for me. Recently it feels like all I have is issues with myself, battling them everyday, though I am practical and usually good at solving problems, it seems as though this is something reoccurring. 

I apologise, I apologise for making you bear the brunt of this, as you should not. I had a problem not so long ago, it was to do with sacrifice. What I mean by sacrifice is, giving up something you would not choose to, because of a certain situation you are forced to. For me it was university, and a stable "career" when prospects of this disappeared I felt low, like my life was meaningless. I felt as though I was missing out on what everyone else had, I lacked a real experience of life.

For me, stability is really important, I need stability to help me be positive in life, personally I find many flaws in my character and in order to overcome it, one step is stability in a job. You may ask, how does that relate? Well I work in a weirdly wired way so let me explain. Job prospects are more likely to cheer me up in the day, I.e if I do something I enjoy and allows me to progress and develop, this would help me be positive at home as well as gratefulness in general. 

However I realise there was many flaws in my thinking 1) such situation determines my happiness this means I rely solely on this career development therefore when it is taken away I lose sight of reality, this is always dangerous as you lose reliance on God. 2) gratefulness is not determined by what i gain, it should be an eternal element within myself that cannot appear or disappear, this shows that my faith in God is flawed and needs work 3)  there seems to be a bigger problem at hand, if i am looking for something other than God it shows that i have changed direction in life. This is not to say i cannot have aspirations but the mere fact this is what I have based my life on means I need to work on other parts of my deen. As there seems to be a lack in fulfilment in these. 

Thank you for being here to help me write this out.

Wasalaam


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Humility

Being humble is hard, im giving it to you real. Sometimes it's just SO easy to think hey I have this and this and they don't have that. And hey I'm good at this and they ain't- and for girls, all you girls out there ;)- it's hey I'm prettier than her...... Sometimes you literally need to take a step back and slap yourself mentally. Like one big mental slap. You need to tell yourself, you need to shut ya ugly mouth, you ain't better than no one. Obviously sometimes Shaytan is always whispering as he does, like seriously get a life shay?  But sometimes it's a part of our own self obsession and my sister was actually talking about how society has made us so self obsessed and I do think it's true we are all so in love with ourselves. You see on Instagram those beautiful (mashaAllah ) girls constantly taking selfies , which I'm not dissing, because personally I hate it when other people diss girls who takes selfies or do duck faces; you should underst...

Sounds of silence

I was able to listen to someone's story of dealing with trauma. Someone who had lived through trauma. They didn't appear to have mental health issues infact they looked so sane so complete. So whole. But that was it, wasn't it? The icing on the cake noone has a set way of appearing or not appearing, they just are. They are not defined by their images, or personality, there's no need to be boxed in by typical patients just see people for who they are. Which are people. For a long time they struggled until there was a time where they felt heard. They had been mute for some time but one day a nurse came along and sat with them, just sitting no intention of speaking, just close enough to be comforting. This one gesture was so comforting it envoked a burst of tears. They said this was enough for them. The ordeal they had been through was so overwhelming it was hard to feel heard. What better way of being heard and understood but by being silent? Now I can't imagine th...

Addicting additives

An addiction... It's so weird to think of addictions for me I always think of drug addicts or smokers but it can be anything from chocolate to makeup.  We all have addictions at some point. One time I was addicted to reading, all I would do is read. Literally when I woke up I would read- from fantasy to adventure. I loved reading then I had another addiction it was playing games. Again every day I played games on the laptop or TV (back when people played sky games) and then when I was in college I was addicted to studying I loved studying so I'd be studying all the time. Now I've come to a point where shopping is an addiction I mean I have had a shopping phase during college too but now that I don't have studying to distract me I suppose I'm consumed by materialism. I know it's not good I buy unnecessary clothing, coats, shoes and somehow I expect it to make me feel better but it doesn't. I've also started buying make up different colour lipsticks, you...