Wednesday, 8 October 2014

The battle, I face

Though I respond in such a way
I don't feel what I say
It's hard to remove 
This stone
All alone.

That's something I was thinking about right now.
If you understand what it means maybe you feel like that too, so maybe this might help you.
A series of tackling depression, it's easy to think that as Muslims we shouldn't get depressed, after all we have Islam which in itself is the solution to everything. And I don't doubt that for one minute yet I and my pathetic mind are two different entities. Though this may sound contradicting it's actually not, what I mean is my soul understands it but my actual mind does not, it falters to understand how I can get over grief or emptiness through spiritual enlightenment.

Just recently I was reading about Buddhism and the eight fold paths, which I found interesting. I also found some of Buddhas philosophy quite similar to Islam, combatting the nafs is central to Buddhism as in Islam, though Buddhism is heavily spiritual it simply is that and nothing else. Which undoubtedly fails to meet the requirements of our other needs.

This being said, I have found my will to persevere has rapidly changed, whether I knew it or not. I am not the same person I was. I give up easier in religion than I do in academics yet before I gave up with academics rather than religion.

You don't need to give up any, but that's irrelevant to my point, my point is, depression has been with me for while now, let's say about 3/4 months, and at the worst of times I hate everyone and everything, and other times I just feel numb.

I was able to get over things quicker before. To continue being a better person, before. But now I don't know how to. I feel like every time I try. I fail. Which makes me not want to try. I don't justify my depression in any way, I don't believe I'm justified to feel sad, however odd that sounds, I don't have a reason. I believe it to be my nafs, which I combat, or try to.

The pursuit of happiness, once I did, achieve happiness. No longer, it remains. 

Well how am I feeling now? I feel alright, not bad really.
What do I have to complain about. Honestly? I don't know, I don't know. I think it's emptiness as a result of lacking in my deen. The best thing to do, is to distract yourself with duties, be it work or cleaning, don't allow yourself to think about it.

The sad reality of this all, is that I clouded by my own blindness fail to see shaytans plan, his twisting smile, and laughter mocking me, and there God is wanting to embrace me. 

I want to point out something, don't leave all your duties in Islam however much you want to run away from everything, don't. Don't be that person that runs away from your problems, face them. And never ever think you can't rely on God even if you feel like the worst person in the world. Just...don't.

Ok? Just stop. And breathe. Take a minute if you need to, shout, scream. Just don't rush anything, and always, always let logic take over emotions. Never act on impulse. Please.

Wasalaam.

(Excuse syntax and grammar errors I was writing this in my state of confusion) 


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